How do you avoid wasting time with bad potential matches and stay motivated to work it out during intense disagreements?
Keke Palmer’s boyfriend, Darius Jackson’s recent criticism of her outfit, shows an excellent example of how emotional reactions and public outbursts can completely derail your relationship. It also highlights how expectations should be distinctly communicated to avoid unnecessary problems. Finally, it also shows you the importance of listening to your partner’s expectations, considering Keke had recently mentioned in an interview (with him present at the time) that she wants her relationship to be private and wants to handle disagreements outside the public spotlight. Weeks later, her boyfriend exemplified he could not meet that reasonable expectation by taking his issues to Twitter.
Three things in life are guaranteed – change, taxes, and arguments with your partner. While you can’t prevent any of those, implementing some strategies can help you minimize the length of disagreements with your partner and how bad they get. Before getting into specific strategies on what can be done, it must be noted that the individual mental health of both people in the relationship is a big factor because it affects everything from sensitivity to anxiety to anger. A thorough self-care routine that combines a connection to the divine, physical activity, exposure to nature, and meditation helps you do that.
If this were the first time Keke Palmer had worn something revealing, Darius’ reaction would have been more understandable (though still wrong for doing it publicly). However, he had posted risque content of her on his social media, including videos of her shaking/wiggling her butt previously, and she has worn transparent clothing revealing her nipples (and he never once had an issue that we know of, and publicly praised her under several of the posts).
If he had not previously mentioned he wanted her to be more conservative, she wouldn’t have any way of knowing that. Given that history, his comment – “Its the outfit tho.. you a mom” – on social media, instead of directly to her, could understandably be taken as an emotional outburst and public shaming. If he had been emotionally in control, he would have gathered his thoughts and had a private conversation with her regarding the outfit.
Having a shared vision of your future together is key because it motivates both people to work through disagreements. Without that vision, it’s easy to give up when things get rough; but with a vision both parties are excited about, they will be willing to compromise and will want to take the necessary steps to get back on track. That vision should be established as early as possible during the honeymoon phase, as both parties discuss where they see their life going. Is your dream home in a highrise, a suburb, in the country, on an island, or in Europe? Do you want a family? Should a man be the head of the household, how should responsibilities be shared, and what’s your timeline for having kids and settling down if all goes well?
Considering Keke Palmer’s Instagram has pictures of her dancing in her bra and panties while pregnant with his child – unless he recently had a conversation with her about his vision for their family and how they present themselves changing, though she definitely pushed the limit it’s understandable for her to assume he wouldn’t have a problem with her outfit. Both people must understand and agree to the same future (which should be discussed in private), then situations like this embarrassment can be minimized and easily overcome. Under normal circumstances, where someone doesn’t already have indiscreet content in the public spotlight and on their social media that their partner is okay with, I believe that her outfit was inappropriate, and anyone else who’s not famous wearing something similar could be mistaken as a sex worker (see below). No offense to sex workers, but many men who want a traditional relationship would not want a woman to present herself that way.
It should be noted that divorce, infidelity, and single-motherhood rates are all the highest in the black community of any race in America. While that cannot be boiled down to how a woman dresses and the problems are far deeper than that, inappropriate attire under normal circumstances like Keke’s pours fuel on that fire by attracting maximum sexual attention from men. While how a woman dresses doesn’t necessarily indicate she is promiscuous or make her a bad woman, the practice of women using their bodies to attract attention is akin to men flashing money to attract attention.
It’s not necessary to dress like a sex worker to feel good about your body, and overall, black celebrities are more hypersexualized than any other race. As long as consistency and expectations are communicated, partners should consider their significant other’s feelings in how they dress and present themselves because they represent each other in public. Every relationship involves giving up some form of control and compromise, that is a two-way street for healthy relationships. When disagreements on this topic or any other do arise, the discussions should be held privately.
Once both of you have discussed what your vision for the future is like, you should discuss what your non-negotiables are in your partner, and your partner should have a clear idea of if they meet those requirements already or if there’s still something you’re waiting to see from them. This clarity is vital because now you and your partner will know you share a vision for what you want out of life, and you know the other person meets your non-negotiables. Once those items are aligned, both parties must remember that love is a conscious decision to be the best version of yourself towards your partner, appreciate the good, and tolerate the bad while working towards the vision through the rough patches.
If you start to get angry, it’s important to remember your response greatly impacts how the situation escalates or gets resolved. Often the reason we get angry over a partner’s actions stems from one of several assumptions:
- They prioritize themselves at that moment and don’t care about how their actions affect us.
- They are intentionally provoking us for one reason or another.
- Their insensitive actions are unacceptable in a way that cannot be excused by ignorance.
Each of these situations should be handled in slightly different ways. You may be projecting if you believe someone prioritizes their feelings over the relationship. Before reacting, ask yourself – does your partner’s actions hurt you more than they would be hurt by not engaging in that act? For example – if a partner cheats on you because they feel like they’re not getting enough sex, this is a clear example of them prioritizing themselves above you, breaking the trust necessary to build a healthy relationship. There are other ways to resolve that issue than that breaking trust. However, if you’re upset because a partner is too tired to fulfill one of their chores, like cooking, and asks for your help, an empathetic approach asking about how they manage their time while offering your support if necessary, would be more appropriate than the knee-jerk reaction of blaming them for not living up to their responsibilities.
If you believe your partner is intentionally provoking you, ask them why and see if the explanation makes sense. If it doesn’t make sense and your partner doesn’t seem willing to explain, then underlying issues will likely need to be addressed. If the explanation does check out, the most important thing is developing a plan to avoid future provocations.
Finally, if the insensitive action is inexcusable in a way that cannot be explained by ignorance in your opinion, avoid decisions in the heat of the moment while you’re mad and escalating further. Before making final decisions, it’s important to ask yourself if the action has any major impact on the vision you both agreed to and are working towards. If it doesn’t, there should be a way for two willing parties devoted to their shared vision to work out the differences and prevent the fight from happening again. If the action does impact the vision, it’s important to express that, then decide if the vision needs to be altered or if it’s best to go your separate ways.
In most arguments, both people have contributed to the problem, even when one party is more at fault. However, one of the most powerful tools in any disagreement is for each person to precede critique of their partner by taking responsibility for their role in the situation. In a healthy relationship, the other party should replicate the effort, and after both parties apologize for their roles, the focus should shift toward preventing similar situations.
Though you will never completely avoid arguments, a healthy relationship minimizes the number of them and prevents them from getting too heated whenever possible. You should approach your relationship with the understanding that neither you nor your partner are perfect, and both will likely need to adjust. If both of you take the time to communicate your triggers, learn from each other, and try to adapt, you can minimize the disagreements and continue working towards the shared goals.
